


Physician, Heal thy sibling-spun headache

by Sharinarra



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angelic Sibling, Gen, Healing Heaven, Rants, Raphael is So Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:33:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26462713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharinarra/pseuds/Sharinarra
Summary: So this is basically just an excuse to have someone rant at the arch-idiots extensively for their idiocy.As much as I do enjoy a good Raphael-as-Crowley narrative, in this case it just wasn't what I needed, and I couldn't shake the love of an exasperated sibling coming home after a long time away to discover everything went down the crapper and now it's their problem if they want anything to get fixed.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 52





	Physician, Heal thy sibling-spun headache

**Author's Note:**

> A note about angelic hierarchies: I am subscribing to the Arch-Angels vs archangels difference. Sandalphon is a lowercase archangel, one of the choir whose job it is to basically go out and smite things or do protectory-warrior things for a specific job on Earth. The others are uppercase Arch-Angels, who have specific overarching roles in the upper echelons. the First Healer, the General, Gods Messenger, the Artist etc. 
> 
> I'm playing vaguely fast and loose with some of the heierarchy stuff, but thats pretty par for the course, especially when there is no unified and agreed upon definition between the various christian religions.

It was going to be a long millennium. 

First of all, there wasn’t even supposed to be a new millennium to begin with. Raphael had calculated very carefully how long it would be until the Final battle, and had made sure to be on assignment out in the stars until he was called back to reopen and run the Healing Halls at the very last minute.  
Naturally, being on active assignment where his only possible superior was an ineffable parent who had stopped talking to them all thousands of years ago meant he wouldn’t have anyone on his back about paperwork until his assignment ended… at which point he was due to be in active duty as the First Healer, and thus still too busy to do the paperwork piled up on the miraculously pristine desk in his completely-inaccessible-to-all-but-himself office. 

Yeah. That had been such a clever idea back when no-one thought the anti-christ would actually rebel against his purpose. No war, no active duty, no excuses to keep avoiding six thousand years of backlogged reports. Blessit!

.

That alone was bad enough. But then he emerged from his office to query a sudden requisition of the holiest waters from his font, and after sorting through the babbled and almost panicked explanations from his various siblings, found that the paperwork headache was rapidly mutating into a full on proto-migraine.

“Nope. All of you just be silent, and go sit down in my office. I’m sure there are chairs under the folders somewhere.” he pinched his corporations nose briefly, glaring at the shuffling feet and awkward expressions of the siblings he had last seen be this vaguely-guilty looking when they were all still young and Gabriel or Micheal had talked the others into some foolhardy sparring competition that inevitably went wrong and landed the lot of them in their brothers tender care.

Exchanging various looks of bemusement and slight arrogance *couch*Gabriel*cough* the three Arch-Angels (Micheal, Gabriel and Uriel) and one archangel (Sandalphon) almost-sheepishly entered the Healers Office and gingerly picked their way through the stacks of folders until they were perched on the edges of overflowing chairs, facing the desk like misbehaving fledglings. 

Raphael swept in behind them, miraculously not disrupting a single sheet of paper in his irritated swoop through his office to his desk. 

“We will start, by recounting what I understand from what you have all just told me. Unless you have a specific correction to make, you will stay silent and nod to confirm. Is that clear?”

This was not a new pattern for his three siblings. Sandalphon attempted to open his mouth, but was viciously elbowed by Uriel, and promptly closed it again to nod with the others. 

“So. The main issue, if I am understanding Gabriels complaints correctly, is that you were all ready and prepared for Armageddon in accordance with the Great Plan, and then it didn’t happen. And somehow this is the fault of the only agent, and the only Principality at that, who you had stationed on Earth. Who had been stationed there - alone - ever since the Garden was sealed.”

Nods.

“And you know him to have been working with his opposite from Below.”

More nods.

“Who was also the only long term agent stationed on Earth from their side.”

Uriel, at least, sweet, gentle, creative artiste that she was, seemed to be starting to see where this was going. The others, not so much. 

“So you all thought it was the best idea ever, after literally having just been made to consider that the Great Plan and the Ineffable Plan are not specifically the same thing, to order a secret execution, by hellfire no less, and without trial, for an un-fallen principality who was the very embodiment of his role.”

At this point, Gabriel couldn’t stay quiet. “For a traitor! A wretched, conniving traitor who turned his back on everything heaven stands for and conspired with the enemy to oppose the very word of God!”  
Sandalphon nodded along eagerly, but Michel was frowning slightly like she was trying to remember something read long ago and long since forgotten. Uriel was just looking like she desperately wanted to face-palm… or would, if she had paid enough attention to humans to know what that was. 

Raphael held up a hand, emerald eyes glinting with suppressed fury (and a little pain at the loud noise) as his perfectly curled red hair flared with the captured halos of a supernova.  
“Stop. Just stop believing your word is the same as our Parent's Will.”  
To enforce this, he temporarily froze his brother's voice box. Just in case. And not at all to also see the perturbed and arrogant pout of the brother who had clearly been left in charge and unchecked for too long.

“I will now enumerate unto you all exactly how it is that you have failed to realise just how much of what has happened is your own faults. You will all sit there, and listen.

First. Disregarding literally everything else I shall be mentioning later: It. Is. Not. Your. Place. To judge Angelic actions as worthy of execution. If it had been Her Will that the Principality Aziraphale be punished for going against Her Word and Questioning Heaven, you would never have had the chance to execute him in the first place. This is not the sort of action that is taken out of nowhere. He would have Fallen, or showed signs of Falling, long before the Final Battle drew nigh.  
The fact that he didn’t, and was also capable of surviving your attempted execution while also fully retaining his Grace, tells me that no matter what else he is or has done, Our Mother is not angry with him for it. And if She is not angry…?”

“Then we have no right to presume to judge otherwise…” mumbled a now thoroughly chastened Uriel. 

“Exactly! I always knew you were one of the smarter ones, sister.”

Gabriel now appeared to be stuck to his chair, and was desperately trying to say something. Anything.  
Raphael ignored him, and continued.

“Secondly, and most importantly: HAVE ALL OF YOU FORGOTTEN WHAT A PRINCIPALITY IS?! Mother, give me strength! You put an Angel who was literally created to guard and protect a designated place or people in charge of protecting _the entire Earth!_ Not only that, but I know you had access to the same records I did. The Principality Aziraphale is the _only_ surviving Principality who was made specifically to guard and protect Earth and Her most precious creation. That would be the Humans you keep disparaging, Gabriel. Do try to remember that She ordered us all to Love Them Even Above Her. 

To repeat myself.

Aziraphale - who I issued his flaming sword and placed on Edens Gate for a reason - is the only surviving, non-fallen, Principality of Earth.  
You then left him there, on Earth, with orders to ‘do some good and watch over the humans’, and no other Principalities to keep him company or share the burden.

You placed one Principality in the position of holding the territories and duties of all one hundred of his specific choir. Without ever letting him return to Heaven for more than brief moments to report. With no company or support. 

And you are somehow surprised that he DID HIS JOB, and Loved and Protected the Humans and their home, against any and all threats, exactly as he had been made to do.”

Micheal was now as shame faced as Uriel. Sandalphon did not appear to be intelligent enough to make his own mind up, and was watching Gabriel  
Who was doing an excellent impression of a gaping trout out of water. 

“Oh. And while I’m at it, Hell have been idiots too. The demon Crowley, the Serpent of Eden, who has been on Earth, also alone, for six thousand years? The records don’t stop updating just because someone Fell. If you had bothered to do any research on the matter at all, the way I did after Eden, because I actually care about knowing who the enemy is, you would have known that he is the only _other_ surviving member of the Earthly Principality choir.  
Quite honestly, the fact is that both Heaven and Hell idiotically assigned only one long term agent to Earth each, and those agents were the only two surviving beings who were literally created to Guard and Protect the Earth and Humanity. 

That they apparently came across each other often enough to have a rapport, and probably see each other as their only source of long term companionship of any sort, is not in the least bit surprising to me. Had either side bothered to keep their agent feeling wanted and inspire any actual, personal loyalty to their home office in them, they probably would have quite happily been at each other's throats over territorial rights constantly. Instead, they got thrown together and practically abandoned. 

And now, you have completely alienated the both of them, as well as the antichrist. Who, I will also point out, is literally the son of the biggest anti-authority rebel ever to exist. Why, exactly, are any of you surprised that he decided to question orders from powers he felt abandoned and ignored by, then rebel against orders he didn’t like?”

There was, now, a full row of ashamed angelic leadership sitting with hanging heads.

“Right. I am declaring this entire fiasco to be a complete wash out. As First Healer, and given that we are technically at war right now, even if no-one is quite sure how to go about it, I now declare Healers Truce until such time as I have fixed this complete travesty and the inevitable other messes that you have managed to make of things.  
No agent of either side may raise arms against another.  
The battlefield of Earth is inviolate and sacrosanct.  
The two Guardians of Humanity are under Healers Sanctuary.  
Heaven is under my complete authority.  
Every angel, with no exceptions, and starting with my own healers and followed by my siblings, is to undergo psychiatric evaluation and a full audit will be run of every angel who has had any interactions with Earth or Humanity since the Garden was sealed. 

Uriel, I will now be far too busy with this new mess to focus on my reports. As the only sibling to work in anything similar, I am deputising you to correct and complete my star-crafting reports according to current standards. There are detailed notes of each achievement, but I had little time to keep up with the constantly changing requirements for official paperwork. 

Micheal, you are a Warrior, not an administrator. As soon as you are cleared for duty, you will take your legions in hand and do a full review. 

Gabriel, you are a Messenger, not a leader. You are reminded that your assignment is under the auspices of the Metatron. You will pass my Declaration of Truce and its requirements to Hell, then report to the Healers Halls for evaluation. As soon as you are cleared for duty, which may take quite some time, you are to report to your overseer and do your actual job.

Sandalphon… you’re probably going to be in therapy for a long while. We’ll see where you need to be assigned when we come to that.”

Sighing heavily, the Healer ran his hands through his hair. 

“All of you, go. I apparently have to go and introduce myself to Yeshua, then immediately remind Him that he is literally the Son of God, Lord of Heaven, and that running the place in Our Parent’s absence is right there in his titles. As it is also in the job descriptions of the Choir of Dominions over which he has Lordship. 

And then I will be visiting Earth to deliver this Declaration to the two Guardians personally. I will also be performing their evaluations personally.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As all of Heaven metaphorically turned on its head under the deeply unimpressed orders of the First Healer, the stark white light softened almost imperceptibly into a warmer yellow tone, and for the first time in millenia, the Metatron stood outside the locked doors of the Throne Room and felt the Warmth of the Divine Light emanating from within. 

Sometimes, She mused to herself from Her vantage point in and above All Creation, it truly does take a Healer to fix the poisoned roots that can twist even the holiest society.  
She was so glad she had Thought of that while Creating him.


End file.
